Not alone

You know how they say life can change in an instant? Well, I never doubted that for a second. I hoped I would never have to have one of those moments in my life, but in reality, I think we ALL experience one of those moments at least once in our lives, unfortunately. It does knock the wind out of you. It does make you drop to your knees … and pray. It does change your life. Oh, and yes, it does suck, too. But you know what else I found that lies hidden beneath all of that fear, sadness, heartbreak and uncertainty? Hope.

One year ago TODAY I had that life-changing moment. One year ago today, my sweet daughter, Caylin, was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Did I see it coming? No. Was I scared? You bet. Did I cry? Oh yes, and sometimes I still do. But I also have clung on tightly to my faith and I feel God’s presence with me as my family and I walk through this new “normal” for our family and our daughter.

Even before this diagnosis, I was SO stinkin’ proud of my daughter. She has always had a kind heart, gentle, giving spirit and is just an overall great, great girl. But after seeing her bravery, resilience, positive spirit, her spunky “I can do it” attitude and the way she handles how diabetes interrupts her life ALL of the time –  I am BEYOND proud of her. I wish I was more like her. I admire her SO much.

My sweet girl gets four shots a day – one right after she wakes up (it’s a long-lasting insulin) and then one shot before each meal (this insulin covers the food she eats). Since she’s not on the pump (and doesn’t want to be anytime soon) if she were to eat something in between meals, she’d need another shot. She gets her finger pricked 7-10 times a day. I have to measure EVERYTHING she eats. I used to own just one set of measuring cups – now I own 5 sets and a kitchen scale. Does she complain? Of course she does every now and then – she’s 6, but definitely not as much as I would. Does she get mad? Sure she does. I hear, “Why do I have to have diabetes, Mom?” every now and then. Breaks my heart. But more than anything she is just Caylin – the sweet, happy-go-lucky, silly girl that she has always been. The girl she was a second before her diagnosis and the second after. The diabetes can get her down at times – it can be a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions and days – but I always see her smiling and enjoying the ride for what it is – a ride that she knows she can’t get off of, but a ride that she knows she’s not riding alone.

Just the other night when I was tucking her into bed, she brought up her diabetes (that’s normally when she will) and in the stillness of the night I could see that she was scared and sad about it. I hugged her tightly and whispered into her ear, “You are not alone in this.” Her little eyes welled up and then both of our tears came and we hugged again and quietly cried together. After about a minute I looked at her and told her how much I loved her and how proud I was of her. Then I gave her a butterfly kiss (we rubbed noses) and she smiled big and everything was OK again. Those moments are hard, but much needed I believe. 

God gives me those little moments, too. I’ll be having a hard day and then I’ll feel His presence and I’ll have a peace wash over me or a strength come about that I never knew I had. I know it’s God telling me that “You are not alone in this.” I am thankful for those moments when I can remind my sweet girl of that and when I can feel my sweet Jesus remind ME of that.

I know one day she won’t remember much about being newly diagnosed or her life early on with Type 1. Unfortunately she’ll probably never remember a life BEFORE diabetes. I wonder if she’ll remember the fear or worry in my eyes or in my voice at times as we travel down this road together. I hope not. I do hope she always knows how much we love her and how despite the fact that diabetes has entered our lives and changed it, that God’s hand is in it and He has a purpose and plan for it all.

She is such a blessing to our family. I know she will make a difference in this world. I knew it before diabetes and I know it still. And most importantly I KNOW we are not alone in this. Nope, we are not alone.   ♥

Please go HERE to read more about Type 1 and to make a donation in Caylin’s name. Thank you.